Winter has always been a difficult time for me in Michigan, with its many gray days, and not much sunlight. I awoke, feeling heavy, sluggish, and still exhausted. I wanted to pull the covers back over my head and return to my secure sleep state.
I sensed something was wrong but really didn’t seem to care what it was. I knew I did not want to face another grueling day, outside the world of sleep. I felt scared, but didn’t know why. I dragged myself, out of bed, and into the bathroom. I could not decide whether I wanted to shave or shower first, then I made that extremely difficult decision to shower. Typical thoughts that would run through my head every morning, would I ever get over this feeling? Why was I feeling like this all the time? Maybe this is normal and I will eventually get over it?
Finally, I was fully awake small tasks seemed monumental, drudgery and overwhelming but I pushed on. I started my day by looking for faults in everything but myself. I was very short tempered with those closest to me and I didn’t even realize it, then out the door to work I go. The rest of the day, at work, I felt numb people were talking to me, asking questions, but nothing was getting thru. On the outside I put up a great front so no one could see, but I was trapped inside a deep dark world, a personal hell.
I was forgetting things very easily, even if I wrote them down. Organization, no matter how I organized things, didn’t seem to matter, because I was depressed and felt hazy. I couldn’t decide exactly what to start on because it all seemed overwhelming. When I did start something it was like climbing a mountain and I couldn’t see the top. Sometimes I felt a sinking feeling or a sense of little hope for anything. I felt like no one knew what I was going through or could help me. I would easily get angry and irritated at everything and everyone. There were times of Panic/Anxiety attacks in the middle of the night, those were not fun.
My typical day was like that movie ‘Ground Hog Day’ with Bill Murray where he had to keep repeating the same day over and over till he got it right. What I found out later was that somewhere, I allowed myself to tumble into a state of depression and had not realized it or even truly acknowledged it. When I did finally acknowledge I was depressed and needed to do something it took me along time to find the right solutions by trial and error. The only person that can drag you out of depression is you, but I have to tell you the big secret to my success was the pharmaceutical grade St. Johns Wort that I took for about 6 months. If you need to know more about what I was taking come to my forum I go into more detail there.
Now I am doing great, I have focus, drive, energy and care what happens to myself and others. I jump out of bed, can’t wait to face all of the issues at hand (They are issues now, before they were monumental problems). I don’t have the emotional tendencies that I had before. I am by no means walking around with ‘rose colored glasses’, but more like a clear view now without the numb hazy feeling.
Depression is an emotionally draining journey that many will go through in their lifetime, but depression does not have to rule your life there is plenty of help available. Answers and treatments will vary from person to person what works for one person may not work for another. Allowing the state of depression to control you and be the norm will negatively affect you and others. Depression drags you down to depths that you feel you don’t have the energy to accomplish anything or even beat depression itself, a vicious cycle. Depression appears to cause many physical illness’s that can be over come with treatment. It’s time now, for you to pull out of the emotional numbness and rollercoaster that you step on to, but can’t remember where.
Being able to feel normal and handle life is your right. When people look at others that are cool and calm they appear to have everything under control that might not be the case, because many of us can put of a really good front. Putting up a good front is ok for a while, but you need to address the disorders. ‘Depression slowly erodes your will and breaks down any attempt at your happiness for a normal life this is not what anyone wants.
Finally, I want all of you to know that depressed people are highly intelligent, loving and sensitive people that have a lot to contribute to the world, but they need to realize that they are depressed, admit it and find a solution.
– Thomas Fullerton